nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
