I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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