Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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