You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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