Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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