In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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