I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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