You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't deserve a penis
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
