I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
