Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
