do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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