he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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