watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
