if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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