when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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