Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I supernannyed him into submission
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
