Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
