my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
