Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
