I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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