I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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