He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
