If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
