Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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