Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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