we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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