Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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