Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sobbing to NWA
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
