I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
