Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
