I faked an abortion last night.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
