I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
