i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
