i need an iv and a liver transplant
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
even my farts smell like vagina
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
