so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
