walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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