have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just invented taco cereal.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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