You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize