before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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