yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
