i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
