I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize