remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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