If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I FOUND THE LEGS
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
