Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish they made helmets for livers.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize