Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
