My sheets look like a crime scene.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
