This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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