every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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