Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
