Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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