My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
