if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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