walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
