We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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