i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Blood and glitter go together right?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
