So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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